This is my Life Story…

Today I live in Vermont with my husband. Together we raised three boys, two from my first marriage and one from my second marriage to my husband Dennis. We also have four grandchildren, three boys and a girl.

As I sit here and reflect about all the twists and turn’s and challenges that I have had over the last thirty years, I am grateful for my lessons, as I know they were meant to be. How else do we appreciate the beauty in life and experience joy? Only by overcoming adversity.

Truly the growing and expanding of our awareness is what it’s all about. I know that this quest that we are on together has brought many of us to our knees, as I know that we are each others teachers.

So, what brought me to this place on my journey?

I would have to say it started when my children were very young. After surviving a traumatizing house fire that began while we were sleeping, it took me years to work through the many traumas in life and dysfunction that led to this dilemma.

I was questioning everyone and everything in my life. I wanted to know who God was and what this life of ours was all about. I wanted answers. So began my walk on the crazy and wild side!

In a place of desperation, I experienced horrifying physical and emotional symptoms that were paralyzing. I experienced terrible anxiety and panic attacks… the fear was overwhelming, consequently becoming agoraphobic. I stopped driving or going out and it became terrifying for me to leave my home for months and then years.

My experience of recovery was a journey of facing fears and overcoming them. Ultimately to find healing and joy in acceptance and letting go.

I had not yet realized the benefit of understanding family dynamics, recovery and desensitization. Oblivious and in denial about the reality and truth in my life of dysfunction and addiction, stress would play havoc physically and emotionally with my well being.

My senses were over responsive because of the stress, resulting in perplexing physical symptoms and sensations causing me to retreat and not leave home. It would be through determination, ‘proactive therapy’, self help, spiritual awareness, and finally in re-educating my thinking about life, family, relationships, religion, and the world that we live in, essentially changing my perception of my life and reality, that I succeeded in breaking free.

I was finally able to experience major accomplishments that at one time seemed insurmountable and to excel in many of my life’s aspirations. It is a major life lesson and a lesson in humility to be able to understand and gain awareness of the dysfunction that led to my dilemma.

FIGHTING THE FEAR WAS CREATING THE FATIGUE.

My first impression of being sensitive on a different level is when I am about 8 years old. I am with my brothers and sisters in a small wading pool in the front yard. Suddenly I have a feeling of stillness and I am drawn to the front door but I do not know why. I approach reluctantly and look inside. I alert my sister who is babysitting.

“Kathy!” I yell. “Something is burning!” She quickly runs inside to douse the fire on the stove… disaster averted.

Call it a spiritual intervention, a guardian angel, or being attuned on a different level… whatever it was, I had a certain awareness that I physically felt in my body causing me to go inside and discover the fire. I believe that those of us who struggle with panic and anxiety in our adult years are much more sensitive and perceptive to people and our environments.

This innate asset can appear as a detriment until we reach a place in our mindset and awareness to stop denying the messages our bodies and minds are sending us. Only then we can begin to unravel the mystery and the truth of the experience.

If we are not centered in our lives and impacted by a dysfunctional environment this sensitivity can play havoc in our lives. Hence, the onset of anxiety disorders, which I believe is part of our spiritual journey. If we seek to learn and understand, we are fortunate to benefit from the life lesson the anxiety will teach us.

PANIC STRIKES FULL FORCE – THE PROGRESSION

#1: I am driving over a bridge… the baby is strapped in his car seat. I hear a ‘Pop’! I do not know what this is. “Is something wrong with the car?” I wonder. “Is it outside? Did I really hear something?”

I begin to tremble. I break out in a sweat. I feel so out of control, my mind racing. I need to get over this bridge and out of this car! I pull into the nearest parking lot. I am in a panic. What just happened? I do not know.

I call my husband and tell him that I am afraid to drive, that maybe something is wrong with the car. He picks us up and finds nothing wrong with the car. I think this is an isolated incident.

#2: I am in the grocery store with my three boys, filling the cart with groceries. First the essentials, then the vegetables. I am trying to budget… the kids are being their usual rambunctious selves. I have an overwhelming feeling of “fear”. I am not able to think clearly. What am I looking for? Things begin to run together and look distant. I feel like I am going to pass out. I grab the boys and leave the cart mid-aisle, racing out the door.

I drive the short distance to our home as if I am running from my life! When I am home, I collapse into bed, something is very wrong with me physically. I tell my mother-in-law I cannot walk, I cannot feel my legs, they are like rubber, they do not hold me. “Relax,” she says with concern. “I will watch the children so that you can get some rest.” I’ll feel better in the morning and think it is an isolated incident.

#3: One summer day my husband and I attempt to take the children to the lake. “That would be nice, to relax and enjoy the day,” I think. Only it turns out to be the opposite.

I am offered a ride in a boat. I do not want to go but I go anyway. I am on the boat and suddenly I feel incredibly terrified. “Get me back!” I scream inside of myself. I do not know why but I am terrified, thinking once we are on land again that I will be fine.

After getting back to shore, I am trying to enjoy the warm sun on my face. I look out in the distance and feel like I am floating. I cannot get a sense of normalcy. What is wrong with me? I am overly sensitized to touch and sound. I remember being in the bank the day before and the computers were loud and unsettling to me. We pack up and go home. I will feel better in the morning, I assure myself. I must just be tired.

#4: I am running an errand and suddenly I forget what I am supposed to be doing. Where am I going? I have this feeling of my mind racing again and it frightens me. I stop for a moment… the sky is overcast and a storm is on the horizon. It begins to thunder and I begin to cry. I just want to get home!

#5: It is our anniversary. My husband wants to take me to dinner at a restaurant to celebrate. I arrange for a sitter. I hope against hope that I will have the strength to sit through a meal without panic. I am not feeling happy or celebratory but I go anyway. I am worried about my children. Our meal arrives. “I cannot stay,” I tell my disappointed husband.

I feel guilty about his disapproval. I search for signs of understanding but it is not apparent. I am very aware of the fact that this is not only difficult for me but for my husband and children as well. I am not hungry. I cannot shake this nervousness. “Please, can we go?” I reluctantly ask.

We get our coats and I try to walk out the door without drawing attention. I cannot walk straight. My balance is off. I feel like I am drunk, although I have not had a drink. I think that people are watching and staring, even though they are not. I am very uncomfortable. I am in a panic. I want to get home!

#6: I begin to fully retreat. I do not venture out often. I tell my husband that it is becoming increasingly difficult for me to leave home. He does not take this too seriously. He takes it in stride, interjecting humor to lighten the mood. He tells me that I can carry a sign to put in the car when I am having an episode that reads, ‘HAVING PANIC ATTACK…..CALL HUSBAND.’

This only furthers my feelings of isolation and fear. I do not feel heard. I do not feel supported. I do not feel safe. This is how I feel in general these days, so that’s not a surprise. But, what exactly am I so afraid of?

I attempt periodically to leave my home only to have physical symptoms that perplex and terrify me. I have sensitivity to light and painful stomach attacks. Everything just feels so intense. I am in a whirlwind of panic. Nothing can stop this progression. I am spiraling. My children are young and active, needing their Mother. I am so exhausted!

Fighting the fear was creating the fatigue.
But I did not know that then. I did not know how to combat this affliction.

STEPPING INTO FREEDOM – A NEW APPROACH

During this time I studied and researched everything that I could find to try to understand what was happening to me and my world. Religious, spiritual, physical, metaphysical, acupuncture, nutrition. I even changed my diet to organic and natural for a time. Who is God anyway and what is this life of ours all about? Why am I here? Why such heartache and suffering for so many? I wanted answers that made sense!

Later, as I was able to venture out, I visited psychics and shamans and did past life regression. You name it, I researched it, gathering information along the way.

I contemplated, prayed, meditated, and studied religious and spiritual belief systems and their different modalities. I expanded into understanding the possibilities of other worlds and realities. Life’s possibilities on other planets and metaphysical dynamics that turned my life and my old belief systems upside down… but somehow it all made sense to me!

What felt right I kept and implemented into my life, and what did not, I let go of. Over the years, I experienced recovery through counseling and twelve step programs, continuing to work on myself. Relentlessly researching and open to all possibilities–spiritually seeking and prayer.

I came to terms with my Irish Catholic upbringing and a lot of the things that I questioned regarding my Christian teaching and parochial school training.

I now understood a lot of the wrong teachings and confusion that was inadvertently taught me by well meaning but misguided and misinformed role models. Sin, punishment, and guilt… so antiquated really.

I came to terms with and let go of the dysfunctional dynamics of a family with six brothers and sisters. Eventually I understood and forgave my alcoholic upbringing as well as my father, my husbands, and my siblings over time.

But most of all, I started to forgive myself for all of the unreasonable expectations that I put on myself over the years which I carried on while raising three boys and making missteps of my own. I could now try to do it differently with my new understanding.

I moved on and read an amazing amount of esoteric and spiritual literature. Memoirs, self help, biographies, etc. I found my own recovery over time by implementing what I found to work with all my research and changing my perspective by experiencing the energetic and emotional shifts that were imperative.

Simple truths to overcoming.

I wrote a book of my own experience from my perspective back then…. but I see it so differently today than I did then.

My husband and I went on to work together in Hospitality and Estate Management, traveling and taking care of properties for high profile clients. We had building and investment properties of our own as well. We designed, built, and owned a Vermont Inn for many years. My husband handled the building aspect of our projects, while I handled the design and sales. We had some interesting and true learning and humbling experiences along the way.

As happens, my children grew up and went on their way, but not without their own twists and turns. To better understand their journey as a family and to give back, I became involved in the addiction field. After taking classes for a year I graduated and became certified in addiction education.

I did my internship for six months and then went on to work as an assistant counselor in a residential facility, and also provided care in the medical profession as an LNA (Licensed Nurse Assistant). I loved it and found it both rewarding and fulfilling. However, after two years, I became very disenchanted with the way things were handled in the name of recovery… pushing meds and reliving trauma instead of the quantum healing and energy work that had worked so well for me.

I briefly went back to work in design and sales, retiring a few years back. During this time I took a course in Biofield Tuning, a therapeutic method that uses sound to relax and reset the nervous system. Thus began my journey into energy healing and understanding neuroscience and energetic components to aid in healing and recovery.

I found it fascinating to learn how we hold energy in our bodies until it is resolved on the quantum or unseen level through mind/body intention and connection. Muscle and cellular memory needs to be released in addition to our limiting thoughts and beliefs. Intuitively, I understood how stuck energy from the past, even generational, can create issues and problems with our health if not resolved and the importance of resolving our experiences as we go through life and to not carry them with us forever.

We are always going to be growing, letting go, and healing – it is the human condition.

I began to tune into what I am led to do. Even though one would normally be in full time retirement at my age, the growth and transformation with a new perspective that I have experienced is too important not to share.

I am deeply compelled to help others release their debilitating emotional and physical conflicts using the practices and modalities that allowed me to heal.

This is an amazing time on this amazing planet with all of its magic, wonder, and mystery!

‘STEP OUT’ and start living life again!

“It had been necessary to sort through the chaos, and endure painful lessons in order to attain clarity about my path and develop a higher vision. My path of awakening came with the expectation that it would bring with it chaotic events, and those events would force me to go within myself and discover THE MYSTERY OF IT – an invitation of sorts, to become who I truly was meant to be.” - Anonymous

Let’s get you started!

Sharon McCarthy